I am not sure what to say here. I can say things are going well, but I'd be lying. I could say that things are horrible, but I'd be lying. I guess what I can say is that things are how I expected them to be, but hoped they would not be. My little girl is in distress. Today we did see more smiles than the past few days, and I thought we were turning the corner on going to sleep, but I may have jumped too fast on that one.
Since Juliana has come home, she has been very unhappy. I would say she definitely cries more than not, and it just seems so random. Once we get her to sleep, she is sleeping pretty well, but getting her there can be tricky. I finally figured today to give up on the baby food, and go straight to "people" food and that has worked out well. She loves pancakes and macaroni, carrots and Gerber puffs! She did a bit better with eating today. She also had a few moments of giggles and smiles today, more than in the past. I guess I just can't wait to see her personality, I have a feeling we haven't even touched upon how happy she really is.
In a way, I think its a great sign that she is so unhappy. She has gone through so much, and in my opinion, it wouldn't be normal if she didn't grieve. Chris hit it on the head when he said it seems like as soon as she starts to relax, and show her personality, she feels guilty and immediately cries. I am not sure if a 9 month old can have that sort of logic, but he is so right with that. It definitely does seem like it.
She is definitely learning who her Mom is, and is still a bit of a Daddy's girl. When she's unhappy, she will come up and cuddle, yet her body is leaning back like she's saying, I need you to hug me, but I don't want to get close to you. It is heartbreaking to see that she really doesn't know what she wants. Right now she definitely prefers Chris and I to Carmela and Joey. I was hoping so much that their bond would come along quickly, but it hasn't. She did play with Carmela for about 3 minutes today with the baby table, and I was so so happy with that. It is almost like she doesn't want them near her. From the pictures that the foster mother sent us, it looks like there were two young kids in her home and it looks like she spent a lot of time with them, so I am not sure why she's not enjoying Carm and Joey. I am wondering if she feels about them like Chris says she feels about us. Scared to get close.
I fought hard on how honest I should be here as I know most blogs I read always have the stories of everything going so well, yet I decided I wanted to be honest. There are a lot of people waiting for their babies that read my blog, and I want you to know, that things aren't always peachy keen in the beginning. Things here aren't awful, and I will get to that in a minute, but they are not all rainbows and sunshine either.
I must say that the positive is that everyday I think we will see more and more of the real Juliana. It takes a lot of patience, and I admit, that is not my strong point. Yet, I feel I want to be strong and patient for her. I want to be who she can cry to when she is sad, and I want to be the one she shares her laughter with. I do believe she's starting to realize that I am her mom, though I know she's not bonded with me at all yet. But at least she is getting to know where to go when she is sad, even though she's not letting me help her through it.
We will get there. I know it. Of course, I am still sick as a dog, so my emotions are out of whack. I took Juliana to the doctor today, and everything looks well with her. I was worried of an ear infection or something, but they said the diarrhea and vomitting can be part of nerves, a virus or just the change in food. Nothing looked abnormal, so that is good. Plus I think we are getting another tooth, and nothing seems to help the pain except Tylenol. She has 4 already, which is four more than Joey had at this age, and two more than Carmela had at this age.
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11 comments:
Jackie, I'm sorry you are so sick right now. Couldn't be a worse time to not be feeling your best.
I appreciate you telling it like it truly is! I would love to think all will be just grand when that time comes, but I know there will be tons of challenges, and it helps to hear what you are going through first hand. I'm sure once you are feeling better it will make such a difference. I worry about that myself....how does one take care of children when you are so sick yourself?! I do not look forward to that!!!
Feel better :)
I just had my final "parents-in-process" class thru. holt and everything you describe sounds.....100% normal and expected and....it will all get better! I for one am glad you are being honnest w/ the fact that everything isnt "peaches and cream every minute"! (I am a "waiter") Its so easy for us waiters to focus on the rosier parts! Being ill and sleep deprived is always very very hard! Add the greiving of a tiny baby----its a huge adjustment!Its just a matter of time before your whole family settles in and adjusts and it will get so much easier! :)
Nancy (you dont really know me, I am on the holt forum)
Jackie
Guess what? You guessed it, all normal! It definitely took about a week for Madeline to smile, and by the time we left Guatemala, she had big smiles.
Your husband is absolutely correct. Even though it does not seem possible for these babies to have such intricate thoughts, they do.
Right now she is in survival mode. Sounds extreme, but it's the truth. She doesn't know who she can trust, and she doesn't know if you're going to leave her like her "first mommy" (foster mother) did.
Do you know of any korean phrases? Even if it is just "it's ok" - that might reassure her.
All I can tell you is what I told our families when we first brought M home: Patience. It's not easy but I can tell you that it pays off.
The next two weeks are going to be super hard - but take it minute by minute. If you need a break, hand her to your husband, if he needs a break, have him hand her over.
How are your kids handling her not wanting to be closey-closey?
I hope you all start feeling better soon. Tomorrow will be a better day. :)
sorry you are so sick right now! that definitely skews things doesn't it?!
juliana is totally normal!!! i know it is hard, but just remember she has a greiving process that she must go thru. this is emotionally healthy for her and you're right, you'd have more to be concerned about if she did not seem distraught right now.
when i first took camille out of the orphanage and to our apt there, she slept like 20 out of 24 hours. seriously, she'd be awake for 30-40 mins before she would totally lose it and her coping mechanism was sleep. it's all so overwhelming for them and their tiny bodies are not made to handle this kind of stress. so you're right, it's normal for juliana to have these types of reactions. poor baby, my heart just breaks for her and what she must be feeling right now.
but trust me, it does get better. it will take weeks or months, but she will come to learn that she can trust you and rely on you. camille attached slooooooowly but surely. it probly took over a year for her to be as attached as my bio dd. and now, she is probly MORE attached than my bio dd, LOL. she LOVES her mommy & daddy!
hang in there, feel better and keep your chin up. i know it is hard and sometimes a bit disappointing, but she will get there and when she does, you'll look back and know it was all worth it. :)
love, LindseyB (BW)
Thank you for sharing honestly your story. I feel so good reading this I know that it will be hard and hearing your outlook on this really helped. Thanks again!!1
Jackie,
I completely agree with what others have commented before me... totally NORMAL!
When we brought my son home from Guatemala, I dug my head in the sand for the first month and tried really hard to convince myself that everything was going great. After all, I had prepared my entire life for the chance to be his mother and how on earth could he reject me? My son was a mommy-shopper. He would go to complete strangers and not even care if I was there or had left him. Finally after about a month of this, I had enough. I felt like I was swimming uphill and slowly drowning in attachment hell. It was then that I really started to impletment attachment parenting. We had to tell friends and family that we needed some time to be a family for a while and take a break from visits. Some people understood, others didn't. In the end, it was the best "break" I have ever taken. Today, my son has a very healthy attachment to my husband and myself.
Long story short, just know that the road to attachment can be super hard, but it WILL happen! Juliana has the ability to attach, as you have seen through her love of her foster mother. Over time, she will learn to trust you and will allow herself to become your baby.
Hang in there and I hope you all feel better soon.
Thank you for being honest and keeping us all updated while you're so sick (and busy)! Hang in there! We'll look forward to reading how the next few weeks change from this moment on.
Jackie, Thanks so much for your honesty. I appreciate hearing it. I am glad that you expected it. I do as well and I as you also hope to not have it to bad.
I am glad that you have your baby girl now. You will keep seeing her little personality coming out each day. So sorry you are sick and having to deal with this. I know how ard that is. I will be praying for you all.
Tracy
Thanks for updating us, we have been keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers. Keep your spirits up, Juliana will come around in her own time. She has been through a lot. I keep remembering that as much as we were loving and waiting for our girls to be home, they were NOT waiting for us and do not understand how much we already love them.
You are doing such a great job!
Briar was a sad, sad baby for the first 2 weeks or so and then she really turned the corner--I pray the same for you.
Juliana is acting totally normal and I think it is super appropriate and even good that she is feeling the way she is and acting the way she is. It means she had a very strong bond with her foster family and that is great thing in her long-term attachment to you!!
Hang in there and take it day by day. It is so hard to see your child struggling so much! The one thing that really helped me was to remember that for as much as we hoped and longed for our baby to come home and stared at that picture praying them into our arms, they had no idea that was going on and hadn't a clue who we were. You are doing so well loving her and reassuring her that she can get to know you.
Hang in there, momma, and feel better soon, too!!
Hi Jackie,
I'm glad you're hanging in there! When Danny came home, he didn't take to our daughter Vivian at all. I felt bad for her because she was so excited at first. After about 2 months, he started to notice her and realize she could entertain him. Of course, she had given up on him by this point, so the timing was off. They get along better now, but each still wants their time alone with us. Things will get better...I had to hold Danny all the time when he first came here. If I wasn't holding him, I had to stay on the floor or he would cry. I remember putting laundry away crawling from one room to another! It was crazy. He did like to be put in a carrier that I wore on my back. He was ~21 pounds when he arrived and unfortunately I'm not the strongest of people, so that would only work for so long. Once he started walking in December, that all went away. He is definitely more attached to my husband. We don't know if that's b/c he took to him the first night here or b/c he's home with him all the time since November. Sorry for the babbling..I know you're short on time. Once again, Good Luck and keep hanging in there!!
Lori in Allentown
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