Merry Christmas Eve Day!

Yes, that is what we call today in this house. Christmas Eve Day! This morning we've been busy, goes along well with the past month in our home! This morning I have been busy cooking, baking and getting last minute stuff done before we leave for my sister's house for the night! We'll be home late so I like to get as much stuff as I can.

As I was cooking this morning, Chris yelled to the kids to go to the computer to check Santa's latest whereabouts. He was in the Phillipines then. I, of course, run to the computer just as exited as the kids because I know if he's in the Phillipines he's either headed to or coming back from South Korea. Chris checks, and yes, he was at South Korea already. With the time difference, our little girl has had her first Christmas morning experience. Tears start to flow. Of course, I'm still not sure if her fostermother even celebrates Christmas, but in my mind, she does, and in my mind, my little girl was spoiled rotten today on her first Christmas. Tears were flowing pretty hard just thinking of Juliana's first Christmas, and how much I wish she was home with us, her mother, her father and her brother and sister. Carmela and Joey were looking at the computer, their interests sparked not in Santa's whereabouts, but their sister's birth country. Carmela asks if we can go to South Korea. I explained that it is very far away, and that our plan is to go when Juliana is old enough to understand her birth country and all that it means to us. Carmela said she can't wait. I can't either.

We have the most annoying Christmas decoration that my kids adore. It is a train that is on a wreath and when you talk loudly (i.e. scream) it sings Jingle Bells very loudly. Well, last night the kids are playing with it and they are screaming whatever to make it sing. Out of the blue, Joey screams "JULIANA" and Jingle Bells starts going off. The most annoying Christmas decoration is now one of my favorites. My kids scream "JULIANA" all day long, and our wreath sings. To me, it signifies just how attached these kids are to their sister already. She is more to a picture to them, I really believe that. She is in their minds all the time now, and little things remind them that a baby is going to stay here. As Carmela puts it, she's my sister forever. Already the sibling bond is growing, at least on their end. I do remind them that as much as they love Juliana, Juliana doesn't know them yet, so when she comes home, they've had months to prepare for her and to love her, and we need to give her time to love us in return. That will be difficult for them to understand I think because they love her *that* much!

We went shopping yesterday and I had to buy Joey and Juliana an ornament for the tree. Carmela has a picture of herself about six months old of "baby's 1st Christmas" on the tree. Joey and Juliana did not, so I bought Joey an ornament that said "special son" with his 2 year old picture in it and Juliana got "baby's 1st Christmas" with her six month picture on it. Perfect.

I feel so much sadness today and I am letting myself feel it. Usually when I feel sad, I snap myself out of it thinking about all the love little Juliana has from three perfect mothers. One that gave her the gift of life. One that is caring for her and has been for the past almost 7 months. The other who is anticipating her coming home and being her "forever mom". It is ironic to me that I bet her birthmother is having the same concerns and thoughts as me right now at Christmas time. Today, I feel sadness. I think of her birthmother and I feel sad. Sad that the situation is that of what it is. I can't imagine what she's feeling. I think of Juliana not being home with us, and I feel more sad. I miss her to my core. I never felt this way before, never. I didn't anticipate this. Afterall, I was pregnant twice before and had to wait then for them both to be born. This is different. So I will let myself mourn the fact that my daughter isn't here, but half way across the country, and tomorrow I will celebrate that my daughter celebrated her first Christmas with a lot of love from her second mom -- her fostermom.

Merry Christmas Eve Day, Juliana and in South Korea, Merry Christmas, Juliana. You are in my thoughts every second of everyday. I can't wait already for your first Christmas next year as a Beitler. We miss you. And we love you.