RIP Cecelia Park

Today started out as a not very great Sunday. We woke up and I had a bad cold, and Chris wasn't feeling too hot either. His stomach was bothering him, along with the chills. Not good. We broke our plans with our friends back in PA, and decided to hang low. I made it to the gym, but on the way I stopped by my sister's to drop off some girl scout cookies. I stayed there a bit too long, and finally hit the gym.

I came home feeling totally exhausted and "off", when I sat down to my computer to see a message from my friend, Colleen. She and I had both used Love the Children as our adoption agency to bring home our children. She had told me that Cecelia, the director of our agency, had passed 2/19 in the middle of the night in her sleep. I was devastated.

I had a feeling a few months back that something was terribly wrong with her. When I was in process, I remember distinctly Cecelia saying that the reason she had her job and loved her job was for two phone calls, the referral phone call and the pick up phone call. She told me directly that those were the best calls and she would never miss them. So when I heard from a few people that Beverly from the office made those phone calls, I knew something wasn't right. However, we were all told around Christmas that Cecelia was doing well and recovering from home, and that she would love to receive pictures of our children, with a note. I did just that. I had the opportunity to say thank you, but I'm not sure I stressed to her just how thankful I am.

When I heard the news, I was devastated. I had a really hard time putting into words how I felt. When I took a shower, I thought about it and I tried putting it into terms of how I would feel if I was comparing her death to someone directed to my biological kids, and I couldn't. At first, I said "its like their doctor that delivered them". Right away, I said no that isn't right. Then I realized Cecelia was a lot like GOD! Ya know, I have been around the forums and yahoo groups for a great while, and I have read a lot of stuff about Cecelia. Some people love, and others not so much. One of the things that I hear the most is that Cecelia liked to play God. I very much agree with this statement. Again, Cecelia told me herself that she doesn't necessarily match babies based on whose homestudy is complete, but she gets a gut feeling of which babies belong with each family. She says she has a sense and maybe its because the baby looks like something or maybe because she met the baby and the baby's personality reminded her of someone or something. She played the role of God. Sometimes when you try to be God, it doesn't work out, but as I've said....I have spoken to a lot of families that used LTC adoption agency, and not once have I heard anyone say "I don't think my child was meant to be mine". In fact, its quite the opposite, everyone goes on and on about how their family seemed the perfect fit for their family. My own adoption of Juliana is the same way. We laugh about how much her personality is mine. How much she eats like my Italian side of the family (oh boy, can that kid eat!).

I am not sure if I blogged about this prior, but when we were looking into LTC, I called and spoke with Cecelia several times. I told her that while I was open to either sex, that I preferred a girl. I told her that I had a daughter with autism and that I just felt a girl would help her in the long run, a sister to help and teach her. Cecelia said that she understood what I was saying. I sent in the application and the homestudy agency seemed to rush me. I couldn't figure out why, but I just had this feeling that Cecelia had a little girl in mind for me. Although everyone I spoke to said to expect a boy, something in me told me different. Cecelia had a little girl for us, I just knew it. When she called for our referral, she told me about Juliana and she mentioned that she met her a few weeks prior when she visited Korea. Right away, she said, I think she's perfect for your daughter and her personality reminded me of you right away. Looking back, over 2 years from that phone call, and she was right on.

I remember the travel call, and most of all I remember the phone call that she made several days after Juliana was home. Cecelia always calls the families when the baby comes home from Korea to talk to the baby, teach the parents some Korean words, and see how it was going. Well, as soon as I put the phone to Juliana's ears, and Juliana heard Cecelia's voice, she was hysterically crying. Cecelia kept talking to her and Juliana just cried and cried. We taped the whole conversation and watch it often. Cecelia told me that it broke her heart to hear just how sad Juliana was, and that it was going to be difficult, but she would be a happy child like Cecelia saw when she visited with her in Korea. Cecelia was correct.

My brain and my heart are all over the place in this post. I'm trying to sum up what this passing means to me, and yet the memories flood in......I want to share a bit of what I feel this loss is to Juliana. As we know, Juliana lost everything when she came here with us. Lost is something that every adoptee will know well. Juliana will be no different, no matter how much we love her. Some children come home with a relationship with the foster family, and some very few lucky ones, have some sort of relationship with the birth family, but as of today, Juliana doesn't have either. But in my head, she had Cecelia. While Cecelia couldn't take the place of the foster mother she lived with in Korea, or the lady that gave to birth to her, she was the one that matched Juliana to her forever family. She visited with Juliana in Korea. She met her before I did. She understood the life Juliana had in Korea, much better than I ever will. I feel that is now taken away from her. I feel that its Juliana's real last tie to her adoption, and to her life in Korea. For that, I am even sadder. I looked at Juliana a lot today, and just felt sad for her. Juliana, of course, had no clue why I cried or was sad, but I know one day it will upset her. Every September we see Cecelia and it always was almost like seeing God. Carmela got it last year when she went up to Cecelia and said "thank you for my sister". That came unprompted by me. I dreamed that one day Juliana would say "thank you for my family". That moment never came.

RIP Cecelia. You are loved by so many. Your legacy will live on through your children that you have placed.